Monthly Archives: May 2013

Heckling Babies

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I have been thinking a lot about how each one of us is like a puzzle. We are a unique combination of pieces. And all of our pieces are important to making us who we are. We don’t need to judge them as good or bad, they are just part of us.

And if I can remember this about myself, I can try to remember it about others as well. So when someone pipes up with an obnoxious, know-it-all comment, instead of thinking ‘What a jerk,’ I can think, ‘Well I guess having strong opinions is a just a piece of that guy’s puzzle.’

Not that I can do this all the time. There are some days when I am just annoyed with the world and everyone’s puzzles, including my own. These are the days I find myself sitting at a red light and swearing at all of the crappy drivers. Then I see a mom pushing her baby in a stroller and think, ‘Stupid baby.’ Thankfully this is usually about the time my rational brain kicks in and says, “Dude, you’re heckling babies. Time to call it a day. Throw in the towel. Go home and have some graham crackers and milk and go to bed. We’ll try to be part of the world again tomorrow.”

But on the rest of the days, when I’m not calling innocent babies mean names, I can accept and appreciate my whole puzzle, and yours as well.

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Where’s My Stunt Double?

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I need a stunt double mom. Seriously, actors get stunt doubles to do stuff like fall off buildings and crash cars. That’s nothing compared to the average mommy day. When the kids were little I needed my stunt double to take over in the middle of the night when someone projectile vomited all over their bed. And I really needed her when my 3 year old zipped his ‘you know what’ into his PJ’s zipper.

And how handy a stunt double would be for when “the talk” comes up. You know the one. It actually has 3 phases. Phase 1 is explaining how the baby gets out of mommy’s tummy. Phase 2 is explaining how it got in there. Phase 3 is when kids start to wonder why people would have sex when they’re not trying to make a baby. With 2 boys, I thought I would get to miss out on giving “the talk”. To my dismay, I found myself on the couch trying not to giggle as I used all the correct terminology for male and female parts and explained how they go together and my kids looked astounded and kind of dismayed. My husband stood in the doorway, once in awhile saying, “Listen to your mother.” I could really have used my stunt double that day.

What would you use your stunt double for?

Would Someone Please Give Me a Timeout?

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I’m not really all that into timeout for kids. I’m totally into timeout for grown ups. One day my boys were tromping on my very last nerve. I decided to give myself a timeout in my room. I may have slammed the door a little bit. Or a lot. You know, just to make a point in a very grown-up, mature way. So I lay on my bed under the ceiling fan and took a few yoga breaths because I had heard somewhere that that’s a good way to calm down, relax and turn into super Zen mom.

I finally rose to open my door and re-join the fray, but it was stuck and stuck good! I called my little boys to come and push while I pullled. No luck. I thought about climbing out the window and down a nearby tree, but at that moment a thunderstorm struck, complete with drenching rain and lightning. The only thing feeling more frightning than the fact that my little boys were totally unsupervised in the house with me trapped in my room, was my little boys totally unsupervised with me electrocuted in a tree.

One of the boys yelled through the door to ask if he could have a snack. Oh-my gosh! I was so thankful that they did not yet realize the power they had at that moment. They still thought I was in charge! Phew! So I told him to get the phone and explained how to dial Daddy. I could hear his little voice…”Hi Daddy!  Mommy is stuck. Come home. Bye.”

Come to find out, Daddy was in the middle of an important work meeting. I wonder how he explained having to run home. So as I said, I’m all for grown-up timeouts, but I recommend planning ahead. Either have an alternate escape route available, or lots of chocolate and reading material for your extended stay. After all, experts do recommend 1 minute of timeout for every year of your age.

Watch Me!

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Remember when you were little and said over and over, “Mommy watch me!”

Facebook is a lot like that except we’re saying, “Hey world, watch me!”

Why do we need other people to witness our lives? Do our actions seem unreal unless viewed by someone else? Kind of like, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it…”

“If I make lasagna for dinner and no one is there to see it…”

As I go about my day, I find myself narrating events in Facebook bytes in my head.

‘Cat threw up on the floor.’

‘Driving to work in the rain.’

‘No parking spots at the grocery store.’

‘What should I have for dinner?’

‘Going to bed early.’

It’s a very strange phenomenon. Maybe it’s a way to connect as we all continue to spread out around the world. I have Facebook friends in Australia, Africa and right next door to me.

Maybe it’s a substitute for meeting at the country store to share the latest news and gossip.

Maybe it’s a way to matter. “Hey world, I have a Timeline! I’m real and my actions count!”

So go ahead and check out my Facebook posts tomorrow. Watch me world! Here I come! Doing exciting things. Tomorrow I’ll probably go to work, come home, make dinner AND go to bed! I know, crazy right?

A Spring Day

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Sitting in a soft chair on the deck

I listen to the melody of birds

And children’s voices lifted in play

I am hidden from the shining sun

in the cool shade of a bright umbrella

Peach seltzer makes sweet bubbles

on my tongue

Fat bumblebees buzz and dance

in the pine trees

releasing little yellow fireworks of pollen

that float on the breeze to

tickle my nose and make

me sleepy

Like the field of poppies

in Wizard Of Oz

I’ll just close my eyes

for a moment

Hiking With Dogs

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I’m not a hiker, but would kind of like to be. So on the way home from the vet today, my two dogs and I passed a park with nature trails and decided to take a spontaneous hike.

After the hike I had some ‘notes to self’…

1. Wearing your purse makes you look kind of dorky in the woods

2. Bring someone with a good sense of direction along, or at least a map of the trails, so you don’t spend the entire time repeating the directions back out in your head. Up the hill, turn left, right at the no horses sign, find the #8 post, and then keep bearing right until you hopefully find the parking lot.

 3. Lay off the scary movies for a while. Those sticks you saw laying in an unusual formation were probably not left by the Blair Witch.

4. If you take dogs in the water and don’t have an old blanket in the car, your seats will get disgustingly smelly and muddy.

5. However far you walk into the woods, is how far you will have to walk to get out.

6. You will be wet, dirty, tired and happy afterward. It’s kind of like sex. After almost 18 years of marriage, sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth the effort at first, but then you remember how fun it is and think, why don’t we do this every day?