Starting an exercise program–again!


You see that commercial again. The one about getting ready for summer and beaches and bathing suits. It’s time, you think. I’m going to get a beach bod. This is the year. I am totally going to become a runner.

            First, you head to your local sports store. The right clothes are important. You pick out a cute running skirt, supportive sports bra and breathable tank top. And then head to the shoe department. The clerk helps you pick out the latest in running shoe technology. “Feel these,” he says. “Have you ever felt anything so light?”

            So, you buy them, along with a three-pair pack of no-slip ankle socks, the kind that wick away moisture. No stinky feet here!

            But wait, what’s that? A roller thingy to get knots out of those bulging muscles you’re going to be developing. You need that for sure. And electrolyte powder to hydrate on your runs. And a water bottle with a strappy thing so it will attach to your hand. You don’t want to expend extra energy holding onto your water bottle.

            Okay, today’s the day. You suit up and head to the street, popping in your ear buds to listen to the run enhancing music you’ve selected. But wait! You realize you’re holding your phone. That won’t do! You need one of those arm, phone holder thingies.

            You don’t want to go all the way back to the store so you go back inside, lie down on the couch and open your laptop. On Amazon you find the perfect sports armband phone holder. It will arrive in two days. You decide to catch up on your Netflix binge of Ozark while you wait.

            Two days later the Amazon package arrives. You Velcro the pink contraption to your bicep and slide your phone in. You’re finally ready to go. You do a quick stretch on the sidewalk, set your stopwatch on the phone and start jogging, hoping your neighbors are noticing how athletic you are now.


            You think about your form, swinging your arms back and forth and trying to land on your toes. Back and forth, back and forth. Toe, heel, toe, heel. You realize that the feather-light shoes you bought have started to feel like bricks on your feet. And the phone thingy is making your arm sweat. Breathing seems much harder than usual. You think, that must have at least been a mile by now. You stop to look at your stopwatch on your phone—two minutes. Two freakin’ minutes?! You remember an article about how walking is actually much better for you than running. You walk home to look it up.


One response »

  1. Oh my God, that is my life except you forgot having to go to the bathroom two minutes into the run and going home and then spending twenty minutes trying to get out of the running tights and just deciding it was too hot/cold/sunny/cloudy/humid anyway.

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